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There is a solitude that company does not cure. The one who leads may be surrounded —teams, boards, full calendars, people seeking him out all day long— and yet remain alone at the very point where something is decided. It is a solitude that is seldom named, because to name it seems a weakness. And yet it is among the things that most frequently surface, in a low voice, when a leader finally sits down to speak.

A structural solitude

It is not a matter of a lack of affection or of social isolation. It is a solitude of position. Whoever occupies the place of decision bears a weight that, by its very nature, cannot be fully shared out: there are doubts one does not entrust to the team —because they destabilize—, tensions one does not carry to the board, fears one does not voice even at home, so as not to worry anyone. Leadership thus has a silent underside: the higher the place, the fewer true interlocutors.

Holding everyone up — and oneself?

To that position a silent demand is added: that of being the one who holds everything up. One holds up the company, the team, the family, the image of solidity that is expected and that one begins to believe necessary. To show a crack seems a luxury one cannot afford. But the question that is almost never asked —and that clinical work returns— is a simple one: while one holds everyone up, who holds up the one?

When the armor becomes a prison

A certain restraint is part of the craft of leading; not everything is said, and it is well that this is so. The problem arises when that restraint ceases to be a tool and becomes a way of living: an armor that can no longer be taken off. That is where the symptoms appear for which many arrive —insomnia, anxiety that will not yield, a strange sense of playing a role without inhabiting it—. The body begins to charge for what words have been unable to say.

A place to set down the investiture

Therapeutic work offers, above all, something rare in a leader’s life: a place where one is not the office one holds. Where one can think aloud without consequences, voice a doubt without destabilizing anyone, and look with seriousness at what is sustained with such effort. Not in order to become weak —on the contrary—, but so that strength ceases to cost so much. It is neither quick nor are there formulas; it would be dishonest to present it that way. It is a work of elaboration, done with time and with discretion.

The solitude of the one who decides is not eliminated: it is part of the place. But it can cease to be a mute weight and become something thinkable. And from there —not before— to lead ceases to be a burden carried alone, and comes once more to resemble a life of one’s own.

An essay by Carlos Hernán Arango Botero, psychologist. If these lines resonated with you and you occupy a place of decision or of high performance, you can learn about the accompaniment and take the first step in an initial interview.