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A child starts letting their grades slip, not eating well, shutting themselves in or blowing up over anything. The whole family reorganizes around «the child’s problem»: they are watched, taken to appointments, spoken of in hushed tones. And yet, sometimes, one person’s symptom is saying something about everyone.

The child who «carries» the symptom

In many families there is one child —often the most sensitive— who ends up expressing, through their distress, tensions that belong to the whole household. Family therapy sometimes calls this the «identified patient»: the one who bears the symptom in the group’s name. It is not that the parents are to blame; it is that no child suffers in a vacuum, and their pain is almost always entangled with the bonds that surround them.

When the symptom serves a function

It may sound strange, but a symptom sometimes serves a function without anyone deciding it. A child who falls ill or who «causes trouble» may, without knowing it, draw together parents who had grown distant, or divert attention from another conflict no one dares to look at. It is not manipulation or theater: it is the way a system seeks, in its own manner, to keep a balance. Understanding this accuses no one; it opens a door.

Letting go of the search for someone to blame

The systemic gaze does not ask «whose fault is it», but «what is this trying to tell us». Changing that question brings enormous relief: the family stops splitting into victims and culprits and begins to see itself as what it is —a group of people who love one another and who, at this moment, are not finding how.

Looking at the family, not only at the child

That is why, when a child’s distress sets in, it often helps to look not only at the child but at the relationships around them: how people speak, how a limit is set (or not), what is said and what is kept quiet. Frequently, when something in those bonds shifts, the child’s symptom begins to ease. It is neither quick nor is there a formula —it would be dishonest to promise one—, but it changes the place from which a way out is sought.

That a child’s pain speaks of the family is not bad news: at bottom, it is hopeful news. It means there is no «damaged» child to fix, but living bonds that can still be cared for. And that, when the whole family lets itself be accompanied, the one who «carried» the symptom for everyone is often the first to be able to set it down.

An essay by Carlos Hernán Arango Botero, psychologist. If these lines resonated with you and things at home are going through a hard time with a son or daughter, you can learn about the support and take the first step in an initial interview.