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Much is said about the adolescent in crisis and very little about what that crisis stirs in their parents. And yet, raising a child at that age does not only transform them: it also shakes you —sometimes in places you thought were asleep.

Mirrors of the past

A child’s adolescence tends to awaken your own. Without realizing it, we relive how we were treated at that age, the fears we went through, the relationship with our own parents. Sometimes we react with harshness or with anguish not so much because of what the child does, but because of what it touches in our history. To recognize this does not make us worse parents: it makes us freer to respond.

When parenting strains the couple

Few things test a couple like disagreeing on how to raise an adolescent. One eases off, the other tightens; one worries, the other plays it down. The child’s crisis can become, without anyone seeking it, the couple’s crisis —and then the conflict is no longer only with them, but between the two of you. Looking at that, with honesty, tends to relieve the child as well.

The fear of letting go

Behind many clashes there is something more tender and more difficult: the fear of letting go. The world seems dangerous, the child no longer fits in your arms as before, and there is a quiet grief —the child they were is no longer here. Accompanying their growth includes doing, too, our own mourning for that stage that is closing.

Taking care of yourself is also taking care of them

A father or a mother who can think about their own reactions —their fear, their anger, their guilt— responds better than one overwhelmed by them. That is why therapy is not only for the child: very often, the most powerful change begins when the adults find a place to look at themselves. It is neither quick nor is there a formula —it would be dishonest to promise one—, but caring for your own process is one of the best things you can do for your child.

That your child’s adolescence stirs you is not a weakness or a failing: it is the sign that you are involved, that there is love at stake. And when you allow yourself to look at what moves within you, you are not only caring for yourself: you give your child something invaluable —an adult a little more whole from which to hold them.

An essay by Carlos Hernán Arango Botero, psychologist. If these lines resonated with you and things at home are going through a hard time with a son or daughter, you can learn about the support and take the first step in an initial interview.